last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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