Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
