Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
