Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
