my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
