My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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