I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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