so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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