The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
