Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
