Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Randomize
