We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
