we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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