At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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