So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
