Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
