dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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