everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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