THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
