I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
