I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
