her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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