someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
