My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
