The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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