You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
