I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize