Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just gargled with NyQuil
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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