I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
