That's when you crack a 10am beer
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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