ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
