i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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