all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
