I just made out with a guy for $7.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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