Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
