I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
