I wish my penis had an off switch
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
