Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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