i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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