The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
