hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
