Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
