I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
