fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
