Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
