My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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