I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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