Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
