I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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