I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
