I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
