I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
