I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
