I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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