drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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