No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
