I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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