Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Don't make out with my wife yet
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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