and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
