and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
