He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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