Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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